Website Content- Hermes’ Tiger Postal Service

This post is a little throwback to the early days of HandleyNation, back when it was less “HandleyNation” and more “Andrew Handley Figuring Out This Whole Writing Thingy.” No, we weren’t always the best freelance content writing agency in the business, and every now and then I come across these little tidbits to show just how far we’ve come in the intervening years. In fact, now that I think about it we haven’t really come that far at all.

 

The following bit of absurdity is a page of mock site content I wrote years ago for Ayn Codina, a good friend and owner of ChromaCritter Web Design. We were both getting our businesses going at the same time, and where she needed a few mock sites to add to her portfolio, I was hungry to get anything I wrote up online. Together we came up with Hermes’ Tiger Postal Service. Unfortunately, the site isn’t online anymore, but you can read full text content in its entirety below.

 

 

 

Homepage v.2

Welcome to the website for Hermes’ Tiger Postal Service. We here at Hermes’ Tiger pride ourselves on being the fastest and most dedicated delivery service out there. When you ship Hermes’ Tiger, you can expect your package to arrive at its destination with very little damage.

Why are we the best? We are the globe’s leading delivery service because of one thing: Magical flying tigers*. That’s right, our tigers have wings on their feet and their only satisfaction comes from a job well done.

So choose Hermes’ Tiger Postal Service today, and we’ll show you why the Tiger is the true king of the jungle..

*Magical flying tigers will not protect you from dragons, mischievous leprechauns, or dark wizards. They only deliver packages.

Policies

*If your package is lost or damaged, please contact our support staff at 1-888-STRIPES. Restrictions apply. Read below.

-If your package is lost to sharks, contact animal control, not us.
-If your package is mauled by bears, you may have an infestation. We recommend purchasing a shotgun.
-If your package arrives damaged or with the contents missing, it was probably like that before we got it.
-If your package is lost, and you are a dark wizard, you’re on your own buddy.

*Concerning magical flying deliver tigers:

-If your child or livestock is eaten by one of our magical flying delivery tigers, call 1-888-STRIPES for three FREE deliveries!
-If YOU are eaten by one of our magical flying delivery tigers, please fill out the proper paperwork to have your delivery fee refunded. Signature required.
-If one of our magical flying delivery tigers falls asleep on your lawn and you find your wife/son/husband/mother playing with it, slay them immediately with an enchanted sword.
-If a moose is found putting on a one-moose production of Little Orphan Annie, we don’t believe it, nor do we intend to.
-If you are from Bosnia and your name is Yuri, stop calling. We don’t know where your wife is.

We no longer ship:
firearms
liquids
hazardous materials
vehicles
flammable or explosive materials
medications
boxes
other magical flying delivery creatures
trolls
the internet
Alexandre Aja movies
packages for dark wizards
anthrax
body parts
cats
drugs
objects that look a bit feminine
WMDs
peregrine falcons
inmates, orphans, or peruvians
paper
more drugs

*In loving memory of Ernest P. Weaber, we will no longer ship bees, amphetamines, and vanilla coke in the same package. RIP Ernest.

*WE NOW SHIP ALCOHOL*

*We are not responsible for war.

Hours of operation and holiday schedules:

We are open for delivery 24/7. Thanks to a dark wizard, our tigers no longer sleep!

We do observe several national and religious holidays.

We are closed for a week before and after:

Christmas
Easter
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
New Years
New Years Eve
President’s Day
Labor Day
Memorial Day
July 4th
Kwanzaa
April 20th
Black History Month
Opening Day for Iron Man 2
Chinese New Year
2012

***Now open Hanukkah!!***


5 comments to Website Content- Hermes’ Tiger Postal Service

  1. Melissa says:

    Hahaha this was great! I’d hire you any day

  2. Abed says:

    Guffaw guffaw!

  3. Mary Jo says:

    I can’t believe you took this company offline. I have a package that only a magical flying tiger could deliver! What do I do now?

    • Andrew Andrew says:

      Mary Jo,

      I suggest you look into the competitor service, Fluffy Rocketpenguin Delivery Centre, located in Staffordshireham, UK. They should be able to get you sorted out.